


The Edge of Nowhere is Such a Beautiful Place

by AnnyFay



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, James is extra cute, M/M, More alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 09:02:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11506098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnyFay/pseuds/AnnyFay
Summary: Niki is good at getting results, James has always been afraid of the aftermath. Niki is homeless and desperate, James has a flat and a tendency to give pep talks he doesn’t believe in.





	The Edge of Nowhere is Such a Beautiful Place

**Author's Note:**

> This is a long one, but I decided to leave it as an oneshot.  
> Some final considerations:  
> \- I took >huge< liberties with the real facts from 73/74 f1 seasons and their lives back them.
> 
> Tbh this is the only consideration I wanted to make clear. Anyway, hope you enjoy your reading and don't forget telling me your thoughts on it. I'm open 24/7 to criticism and suggestions.

Niki hisses, tosses his steering wheel off the cockpit. He walks back to the pit box keeping his head down like he’s never done before. Niki knows when his performance is outstanding, but, first and foremost, he knows when it’s not. Worse than that, he knows it’s time to quit.

The Austrian told himself over and over again that he would pursue this insane passion, but as soon as he realised it was a mistake, he would stop and get on with the family business. Niki cannot, however, bring himself to accept it happened, he failed.

He is disintegrating. One more race he couldn’t cross the finish line, one more way to prove his father was right.

Niki surely used bank loans to make his way into Formula One. That didn’t make it any easier, it only added financial issues to his list of reasons to give up. He feels he’s been ignoring that list for too long and it’s about time he took a closer look at it.

At the end of every season the drivers throw a huge party at the paddock area. Jackie Stewart won the Championship and is seizing his opportunity to get utterly wasted. James Hunt sits on the stool at Niki’s side. They talk to each other once in a lifetime, and James is the kind of person who talks to everyone as if they grew up together.

“Ratty, what a season!” James is charming and extroverted and kind, though any word he says sounds dirty.

Niki reaches his boiling point.

“Are you making fun of me, arsehole?”

“Uh, no? I mean, Hesketh… how could you even think I would mock you considering my own situation?”

“You have no idea.” Niki shrugs, looking away for as long as it takes to rebuild his bland expression.

“Are you alright?” James asks him.

“Yes, Hunt. I don’t want to spoil the party.”

“You’re not spoiling the party to anyone but yourself.”

They hold each other’s stare for less than a second, and Niki is somehow lighter.

“Let me get you something to drink.”

“I have a habit of drinking too much when I’m not okay.”

“What bothers you, darling?”

Niki feels his empathy, but cannot respond to it. He tells him, however, because James will keep asking until he gets a proper answer.

“I got a letter from my father saying I won’t be able to keep my apartment. Moreover, if I acquire another debt I’ll drag our family’s name through the mud.”

James suddenly leaves and comes back with two bottles of beer and an annoying grin on his face.

“So we do have something to celebrate tonight.”

Niki frowns and purses his lips because of course James has an awful idea.

“I too can’t afford my flat, though it’s so spectacular it would be a shame to move from it.”

“So what exactly calls for a celebration?”

James seems to be having more fun than Niki can stand. “You could crash on my couch and pay half the bills.”

“Nein, thanks.” The Austrian quickly answers.

“C’mon, Niki, what is there to lose?”

 _My dignity?_ He thinks, and, mainly, that’s it. The idea is far from being absurd. In fact, it is exactly what he needs, but _not with James_.

“I promise I’ll behave myself and keep the toilet seat down.”

Niki doesn’t give in to the urge of letting go a dry laugh. He won’t admit it, but it is extremely, irritatingly easy to waste time talking nonsense to James - for sure, easier than ignoring him.

“I’ll think about it.”

 

~

 

It’s the Monday after the end of the season. Niki knocks on James’ door with two pieces of luggage and no excuse to be a jerk – but he is.

“Hey, rat! You did think about my proposal.”

“Let’s say I had to choose between living with you and going back to my family to be eternally humiliated by them. Facing these two possibilities, I thought of living on the streets, but it’s too fucking cold this time of the year.”

“Not as cold as you are.” James mutters, a grumpy expression on his face as Niki steps into the flat and scrutinizes it as though evaluating if it’s worthy of his own presence. Hunt wants to withdraw his offer, wants to tell him he was drunk and didn’t really mean it. But then he saw it.

It was just a flash, a moment which lasted less than a second and then it was gone; but James caught a glimpse of it, of Niki's desolate, hopeless expression in his tightened jaw and clenched fist.

He is frustrated, deluded, angry, weak, tired, emotionally unstable and every other adjective James could never associate with the Austrian.

That's why James, if anyone asks him, convinces Niki to sleep on his king-size bed saying he would spend the night out anyway.

 

Niki hears a constant sound of pouring water and realises James is taking a shower, because, clearly, that's his suite and where else would he take a shower? Niki, however, can't help getting utterly annoyed by the sound so early in the morning, and he has never been awakened by anything before, because he's always the first one to wake up.

James leaves the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist. Niki feels uncomfortable.

The brunette wishes he could be less ungrateful, less pessimistic about pretty much everything. He wishes he could say "thank you" to James and feel it in his chest, but it wouldn't be true. He can only feel a tightness in his throat, a thought smothering his senses, numbing his mind. Desperation, but he forbids himself from feeling it.

"Sorry about that. I have another room where I keep stuff. We could make it into your bedroom… it's pretty neat."

"Whatever. I don't intend on staying here for too long." It wouldn't be fair of James to regard the Austrian as rude, because he knows him well enough to understand he is only being honest. Hunt laughs, hides his uneasiness by responding:

"Anyway, I do want my bed back."

"I can sleep on the couch, Hunt. I'm not some posh race driver who never experienced tough moments in life."

"Except you are a posh race driver who took huge loans on your fancy family name and bought your way into Formula One." James spits the words, loses his coolness so easily.

"Are you out of your mind or did you forget Hesketh founded a team for his cute little puppet who's never got a chance in a real team? You're a walking joke, James."

They fall into deadly silence, and there is no doubt both of them know all that's been said is true.

Niki wants to cry. He remembers the last time he cried until he got smothered by hiccups and headache; he was no more than seven years old. Austrian boys don't cry too often. Niki never cries.

James sees the tears fighting their way out of his turquoise eyes. He knows Niki won't give in, but it's still sad to see it.

"I'm sorry. I know this is important to you." He shouldn't be saying sorry, or if so, Niki might as well apologise too. James is an easy-going spirit, so he takes the first step even though Niki won't take the other.

"Nevermind, just put on some goddamn clothes."

 

James cooks them a traditional English breakfast and hopes everything will be alright, but Niki squirms at the sight of his plate and goes out to have what he calls "a proper  _frühstück_ ".

Hunt is frustrated, so he goes out to fool around and fuck whoever is in the way.

It's not until James has already brought home a blond, half naked, totally wasted chick that he remembers he doesn't live alone anymore. He sneaks into the flat with the blondie and tries like hell not to wake Niki up, who is asleep on the couch like the stubborn little piece of shit he is. It's an idle effort since he's drunk enough to stumble across pretty much every piece of furniture he owns.

The woman corners him against the door, kisses his neck obsessively and releases a creepy laugh. James knows better: that's why he gets himself drunk or high, so he can stand this crap.

It is quite impossible Niki hasn't woken up with all the mess they've made, and James really wishes he cared about it, but he doesn't.

 

Niki is out all day and James decides he won't have someone sleeping in the middle of his living room. He cleans up the "storage room" which already contains an extra bed and a dresser James brought in from his parents' house. He unpacks Niki's belongings and arranges them carefully in the drawers. Hunt knows he has to do it, otherwise Niki will only move to the couch again. James wouldn't've thought he would make such a nice babysitter.

When the Austrian arrives, Hunt is fast asleep in the armchair and the TV is on in some talk show. Niki quickly realises his things are missing and notices the storage room's lights are on. He seriously wishes he were more cold-hearted to punch James in the face while he is asleep.

 

Their first week could be summarized easily as James dying to prove to Niki he's not who, in fact, he is, while the other gets lost in the city all day or lies down on his bed, hoping that, somehow, the world will come to an end.

James is starting to worry about Lauda's mental health considering the nearly catatonic state he has been since their last race. He keeps an eye on him, but Niki is crystal clear about wanting to be left alone and _please, James, just fuck off_.

The blond is definitely not snooping about Niki's bedroom when he finds a bottle of pills inside a drawer. He is not gentle, he is not willing to be either.

"Niki, talk to me." He storms into the kitchen. The other is taking sips of his coffee mug now and then.

"What is it, Hunt?" Niki, then, notices what he's holding tightly and sighs not impressed. "They are sleeping pills, your twat."

"No, they are not. They are for panic attacks. I know it because I used to sit and watch quietly as my mother drowned in a pool of these."

James hears Niki muttering indiscernibly  _you're overreacting_ , but he doesn't protest, doesn't even try to rebuke like he always does. They stay in silence until Niki starts talking. He keeps his eyes on the ground.

"They help me to stay away from thoughts I don't want to have."

They are having their first real conversation. James is not mocking, Niki is not grumbling. They look at each other and they  _understand_.

"I'm here if you ever need anything. We can talk, we can..."

"It's not your goddamn business."

"It is! It is because when I think about you quitting, about you giving up... It's a shame. It makes no sense at all." James sits on the stool in front of the Austrian. He suppresses the urge to hold his hand.

"I'm not going to drive in circles if it doesn't get me a trophy." Niki suddenly leaves the kitchen and heads to the balcony. James follows.

"You sound like a fucking child."

Niki laughs bitterly.

"I know. You see? I'm not myself anymore. Everything is so wrong."

James gets closer and closer. He doesn't stop, doesn't hesitate. He feels like slowly diving into Niki's eyes, and it's sweet.

"Would it make things right or wronger?"

They share a kiss for a brief moment, and Niki is left breathless, astonished and flushed. His hand, however, is timidly reaching out for James'.

"Wronger" Niki whispers.

 

It would be certainly awkward if they came to realize what is actually going on. Since they kissed for the first time, James hasn't left Niki alone. The Englishman is permanently at home in case Niki needs someone to bring his reasoning back. There are days the Austrian insists on going out because he is feeling claustrophobic in that "shack", so Hunt reluctantly aggress on that.

They stay at home. They watch a bunch of films and cook together. Niki's head is on James' lap and he runs his fingers through his curly locks and try his hardest not to rationalize what he is doing and why he is doing it. This proximity is somehow undoubtedly natural and they silently enjoy it. They go no further than tender gestures and flirtatious looks. Sometimes, Niki gives in to this desperate urge to kiss the life away from James. Sometimes, he just sighs.

 

~

 

James forgot to tell Niki he's got a girlfriend.

And that she was in the USA for a film production.

And that she was back for good when she knocked on the flat's door and Niki answered it.

She was pretty and blond with wide blue eyes, gigantic eyelashes and an everlasting smile with those white, blindingly shiny teeth.

“Hm, is James home?” She asks, trying to get a glimpse of the apartment behind Niki. He unconsciously narrows the gap of the opened door, like he wanted to protect their sanctuary from that potential threat. “I'm Suzy, his girlfriend. I didn't say I was coming. I thought about taking him by surprise, you know... I've been gone for quite a while and... Ahn, can I come in?”

Niki obliges his legs to move. He gets out of her way, not quite inviting her in, just... moving aside. He is awkward and rude, and well aware of that. She is uncomfortable, but too polite to say a word.

“He is sleeping. You can enter his room, I guess.”  _Of course she can, your idiot. She's his bloody girlfriend._ Niki internally slaps himself.

She nods and heads towards James' bedroom. Niki has to sit on the couch urgently because his legs are trembling and he feels stupid and too vulnerable, as though each inch of his skin is ripped off, exposing raw flesh and bone. He is livid, because this is not exactly James' fault. Niki is the one who didn't know quite well what he was looking for and started to kind of like what they had until he realised what they had was absolutely nothing.

He can't stand the thoughts that are going through his head at that moment. The images are coming up and he is biting his lower lip harder than he should. Niki gets up and leaves like the flat is burning the fuck down.

 

Niki is going to prison for driving too slowly.

Well, not exactly, but it would make the papers ten times funnier. He was indeed driving really goddamn slowly on the road. The police naturally stopped him.

And then found out Niki was drunk as hell when he started to yell at them in German because Niki doesn't know yet how to speak English when he's not sober.

Of course, when they get to the station he's allowed a phone call and tells the cops to shove it up their asses because there is no one to call, no family, no friends. So Niki calls James, who's neither his family nor friend, nor boyfriend (for what it’s worth). James is no one, and Niki is good with that.

"Hello?"

"James, you need to pick me up at the police station. And pay the bail." The Austrian can only hope James understands one word or two. That would be enough.

"Where the fuck have you been?! Suzy said she spoke to you and then you were gone!" James seems genuinely concerned with him, but he can only taste bitterness.

"Suzy, hm? _Sie ist sehr schön_. You two kind of look alike, you know?"

"Niki..."

"Just come quick, alright? Thanks."

 

They are in the car on the way to James' flat. Niki is quiet and grumpy. He doesn't look at the blond, though he knows sometimes Hunt glances at him.

"You owe me 30 bucks." James smirks because he can't stand the weird atmosphere. Niki doesn't respond and seems even less able to be reached. "Don't be a prick about it. Everyone goes to jail once in a while".

'I don't want to hear your voice. I'll pack up my stuff and go back to Vienna." Niki clenches his fists until they are pale and his nails are hurting the palm of his hands.

"I should've told you about Suzy, okay?" James has a resigned tone of voice, a defeated gloom in his eyes.

"No, you don't have the obligation to do so. We're not a thing whatsoever."

James hits the brakes in the middle of the road. A van passes through them honking all the way.

" _Archsloch_! We're going back to jail!" Niki hisses, and when he looks at James, there's something different about his face: His eyes are not shallow like they used to be, not dreamy like he could give two fucks about anything. They are intense, because James can't quite figure out what he is about to do.

He takes Niki's face on his hands and brings it closer to his own. The Austrian gasps, but his lips are filled with James' already. It is tender and unruffled, and it doesn't feel like them. Niki bounces forward and places one hand on James' chest because he needs to feel he has some kind of control over it, that he could - if he wanted to - push him away. Hunt has the other’s brown locks wrapped around his fingers, and they are on the verge of losing it when they come to realise they're still parked on the middle of the road.

Back to their trip, James tries to reapproach the issue.

"She was gone for like... two years? At a certain point, we stopped sending letters."

"You owe me no explanation." Niki turns himself to the window, gazing at the blurred fields they pass by.

"I like you, Niki. I really do."

They are going through the suburb-styled streets from the outskirts of London.

"I just don't know what to do with it... and Suzy, she is from another part of my life."

"Is she staying?" Niki timidly asks, and he would't mind getting no answer.

"Are you?" James throws back at him.

“It's not like that, Hunt. We can't make this work.” this time Niki has a tired voice and James swears he can see a glimpse of pain in his eyes or in the way he purses his lips, even though it's a habit.

“We've made it work 'til now…”

“No, we didn't. It was good and comfortable, and I needed to feel I could trust somebody and you gave me that… but it's not real. I can't trust you, obviously. It was foolish to think so." Niki responds as they get out of the car after arriving at the building.

James has no answer for that, not yet. They take the lift and stay as distant as possible from each other. When they’re finally inside the flat - and Niki goes straight to his bedroom to pack his things - James follows him and grasps his arm to try and talk some sense into his head.

“You can trust me, alright? I am worried about you. I need to be allowed to worry about you. I'm sick of pretending I don't want to take care of you all the time 'cause I do. And I'm not saying you need to be taken care of, because you obviously don't and you probably would have to take care of me and stop me from taking all those shitty decisions twenty-four hours a day.” He stops to take a deep breath and instinctively holds Niki's chin with the tip of his fingers so he won't look away. “All I'm saying is that it's not necessary for you to need me, just let me need you.”

They are close enough to feel each other's breath, to see their own reflex in each other's iris. Niki is just about to break the enchantment when they sense someone watching them.

“Oh…” Suzy releases a gasp like she's been holding it forever.

They freeze for a second or two, and then Niki seizes a perfect opportunity to get out of there without being stopped by the blond.

 

It is New Year's Eve. James receives a call from Ronnie - drunk Ronnie - inviting him to this party in some fucked up pub. He is in bad terms with Barbro, James assumes.

The place is the type of hole he is used to. The music is too loud to be appreciated, people are too many to be appreciated. He finds Ronnie prattling with someone on his side. When James comes closer, he sees curly brown locks. He hears an accent and suddenly wants to leave - or maybe he just can't move forward.

"Thank God you came. I was hoping to have a good time getting wasted, but instead I became Niki's babysitter."

"So you invited me here to be his babysitter? Fuck you, Ronnie." The Swedish is slightly less drunk than Niki and sounds actually very serious about the issue. James can't be bothered.

He looks at the Austrian and feels as though he hasn't seen him in years. It's been a month or so and he can't shake the sensation something's been terribly missing in his life.

He sits beside them and tries his hardest not to cross eyes with Niki every single second. Ronnie can't stop talking about his brand new pillow and Niki can't stop muttering complaints - and James can't even understand what they're saying.

Hunt orders his tenth dose of scotch and watches peacefully as Niki heads to the toilet. He continues to waste time talking nonsense with Ronnie, but in the back of his mind James is calculating how long Niki has been in that toilet. Not because he is worried, no. He is just… curious.

When Ronnie's voice is finally driving him mad, Hunt excuses himself to the toilet. He opens the door and stops, petrified.

James has never seen a mess like that. And he's quite the _connoisseur_ of messes.

"Goddamnit, Niki. Did you swallow these?"

He rushes towards the brunette on the floor and takes the bottle of pills away from his hand. There is a dozen of them on his other hand, but - with no objection - he looses the grip and let them fall.

"I thought about how I wanted to go. Just really simple and clean. I didn't want blood or smashed organs on the floor, so I went with booze and pills."

"Okay, Okay, fuck…" James lifts him up and carries him until they reach the sink. James forces him to lean forward. "You just have to stick your fucking finger down your throat and, shit, we're going to get those things out of you."

Niki doesn't cooperate and that is pissing Hunt off. The Austrian is whispering nonsensical words and trying to get away from the sink; James, however, is not having it.

"I, I didn't swallow them. I got scared." Niki finally manages to gasp between his inner confusion.

"Oh, fuck… Oh my God, Niki. For a second I thought you…" James leaves him leaning over the sink because he is pale and trembling just like the brunette.

He doesn’t care if Niki will push him away or scream at him. James can’t stand seeing him like that, broken and forsaken. He embraces him like a shield, but it seems like he’s holding a dead body. There is no response.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.” James whispers on his ear. “I don’t mind if you’re not by my side. I just love your existence.”

Niki timidly places one hand on James’ neck and kisses him like it could miraculously save him from that whole situation. Niki is so terribly drunk he can’t quite reach his thoughts; James is drunk enough to let it all happen.

James lifts him upon the sink as the Austrian wraps his legs around the other’s waist. The grinding is so intense they can feel the volume covered by the fabric of each other's jeans. And James really needs to alleviate the pressure.

Ronnie is outside. They have a history of broken hearts.

Maybe next time.

James tenderly places one hand on his chest and creates a gap between them. Niki's eyes have confusion and frustration all over them, and his swollen lips are just begging for more. Hunt takes a deep - deep - breath and two steps away.

"Let me take you to my apartment." James is disappointed too. He wishes they weren't so worn out, so damn conscious of that whole mess. "Where are you living?"

Niki's face turns really dark suddenly. He fights the words coming out of his mouth.

"In my car."

"Uh, right." James looks away for a brief moment.  They fall into an endless silence until James remembers how fucking beautiful Niki looks sitting on that sink with his face flushed - even if, right now, he is living in a car. He gets closer once again and whispers on his ear: "Let us go to my flat so I can properly fuck you in my bed instead of a pub's toilet."

Niki loses his voice for a minute or so. He makes no objection and follows James out of the toilet and on to the place they left Ronnie - and he's still there as though time hasn't passed. It's almost four in the morning, so they call it a day. James makes sure Ronnie is inside a cab before they leave for his flat, which is three blocks away.

"Home, sweet home" James sighs as they enter the flat. For a second, it seems as though Niki never left and they never had that intense fight and none of that crap really happened. However, it's not true. That's why James is so tired of always doing his utmost to stay positive and avoid these dark thoughts.

'Oh, I missed it." Niki moans and Hunt is somewhat amazed.

"Did you?"

"Fuck yes. My back hurts." James laughs because there's nothing else he can do. He knows this is as romantic as they can get and it doesn't bother him anymore. "Where's Suzy?"

James' mouth goes dry.

"We broke up after... you know. She offered to stay because I was a little, hm, taken aback?"

"What? Why?"

"Because I actually like you, dumbass."

"You're drunk," Niki hisses at him and tosses his leather jacket on the couch.

"I'm fucked up," James cries and throws himself on an armchair at the corner of the living room.

"We all are." It's subtle and extremely hot the way Niki spreads his legs around James and sits on his lap and sucks the life away from his lips like he could spend the whole night devouring them.

"No, I mean it." Hunt holds his both hands so he will stop fooling around and listen. "Hesketh is almost going bankrupt. It’s been hard finding sponsors.”

Niki's eyes are almost completely shut and his speech is barely understandable, but the news, somehow, are able to wake him up a little bit. Enough, at least, to stamp horror in his expression.

"You're saying you won't compete this year?"

"Not without a team, genius."

"I wish I could tell you the good news." Niki mumbles and releases a sigh of discontentment.

"You can always tell me the good news, love." He gives in to kissing Niki like they did before, only with a sorrowful taste.

The Austrian, however, abruptly distances himself from James and exclaims a short fuck while he stumbles across the apartment until he reaches the bathroom. Niki throws himself in front of the toilet and lets go of pretty much everything he's ever drunk. He groans when he sees James standing in the doorway and turns his face away. "Shit, how can you look so normal after tonight when I look like complete garbage?"

"Maybe I've developed some kind of immunity." James replies with a hideous laugh. “C’mere.”

He picks up Niki from the floor. The other washes his mouth repeatedly and walks in slow steps out of the bathroom. James unconsciously grabs his arm just to make sure he has something to prevent him from falling. Niki shakes it off.

“Don’t pamper me.”

“I’m not.” But, still, James won’t let go of his arm and guides him to his bedroom. The night is fucked, so he just makes sure Niki is comfortable lying in bed. James leans on and plants a soft kiss on his forehead because he is immune to alcohol, but certainly not to stupidity. Niki groans and turns away. James lies down finally and sighs heavily.

 

The blond wakes up with his face pressed to Niki’s curly locks and his left arm thrown over his waist. For a minute, James allows it all to sink in. He tightens his arms around Niki and pays extra attention to the smell of his hair. It is actually so not what he expected: it smells like baby shampoo and James is confused.

Niki turns his head to face the blond, his eyes slowly opening and adjusting to the morning light. _God_ , James mentally exclaims. He’s so damn in love with his crystal eyes and his lip line and his frowned eyebrows. He’s so damn in love.

“I got a seat in Ferrari.” Niki says. His voice barely comes out and is more of a whistle, but James understands it perfectly.

It is the dream and Niki has made it. James is happy, but he also acknowledges the fact he won’t be able to climb these steps with him. It hurts his pride and manhood so much. His chest aches as if his heart and lungs have been ripped off. He wants to smile and congratulate him, because this has been the goal since F3. Except that now Niki will reach his full potential and James feels more like walking in circles.

“I knew you could do it.” He responds at last. It is a true statement and it’s the one he can manage to say without crumbling down in front of the Austrian.

“So… what was that yesterday?” James carefully asks.

Niki gives his signature shrug and avoids the inquisitive look falling upon him.

“I thought that after receiving the news things would get better, but I still feel like I’m leaving something behind.”

James considers being cheesy and screaming to the top of his lungs that Niki is leaving _him_ behind. Niki went away when Suzy showed up and James thought that was it. He couldn’t sleep without being caught thinking about the void the Austrian left. Hunt has not been the same since they started sharing the flat, to be quite honest. He is not the life and soul of the party anymore. He is most likely to be on the news under the headline: “What ever happened to James Hunt?”

“Have you figured out what to do now?” The blond is still being defensive, especially because it became too easy falling in and out of love with Niki.

“We could… try.” Niki answers softly as he moves closer and their lips meet.

 

~

 

“What’s going on with James?” Regazzoni asks. Niki, for a second or two, can only think of _how the hell would I know?_ But, obviously, he would know since they are still sharing the flat. Lauda claims Ferrari hasn’t paid him off yet, though he is rather mastering the art of bullshit.

James walks past them with an eerie look. He doesn’t come to bother Niki like he usually does before every race. He keeps his head down and ambles towards Hesketh crew. Niki doesn't allow himself to worry about what could possibly be eating James. He shifts his attention to the race, to his debut on Ferrari. People are looking forward to seeing what he can do in a major team. He is pretty excited about it. There's no room in his mind to concernments about James' grumpy expression.

 

Niki returns to his hotel room after an exhaustive day and a second place in the Argentine Grand Prix. James Hunt is on his king-size bed, back against the headboard, sipping from a bottle of champagne with his shirt opened exposing a bare chest. The Austrian ceases breathing for a while and is awakened by the blond’s tipsy voice.

“Congrats on your first podium, ratty.” James gets up and hands him the champagne. Niki takes a swig as if it could provide him with the courage he needed. It certainly did.

He presses their bodies together and brings James’ mouth to his own, messing Hunt’s hair up and quickly taking off his shirt and his own clothes as well. It’s a vice from which he can no longer stay away. Niki touches his chest and descends until he reaches his belt. The brunette pounders for a while before shoving him down to the bed and unfastening it as desperate as Niki could be after quite a day.

“Heard you spun on lap 11.” Niki mutters as he unzips the other’s jeans and pulls them down along with his underwear.

“Are you challenging yourself to turn me off completely so you can resuscitate my dick with your mouth?” James jokes with a grin on his face, which dissolves when Niki wraps his mouth around the base of his cock and, _goddamn_ , he’s impressed. James definitely doesn’t want to wonder if he has ever done that before.

Hunt considers holding him by the hair just so he won’t feel like he is in charge, but, well, fuck this, he _is_. Niki is ravenous, but still so fully in control of himself. He is giving James hell and it tastes sweet.

“Lie on your back.” James says. Niki glances at him, a bit confused, a bit defeated. “Sweetie, team orders.”

Niki obeys him unwillingly and James promptly gets between his thighs. They share a making-sure-everything-is-fine-for-now look and, clearly, Niki is panicking. James rests a hand on his pale face and leans closer. The erections rubbing against each other make it utterly unbearable.

“Just tell me what you want me to do.” The blond whispers. Niki almost comes right away, but he cannot look like an amateur in front of James.

"I want you to fuc..." James unexpectedly pushes one finger into him. “ _scheißkopf_ , fuck, _schei_ _ß_ _e, fick dich, miststück, dummk_..."

Hunt shuts him up by pressing their mouths together while slowly fucking him with one finger, and then two.

The first couple of nights Niki spent in James’ flat he could hear all sorts of moans and pleads coming from his bedroom. At a certain point, he started to imagine if the blond could be _that good_ , and, as much as it displeases Niki, he now gets it why women are psyched about Hunt even when he is an asshole. James can be a jerk, but he fucks like a god from another dimension. He thrusts relentlessly, sucking on Niki’s thin lips while stroking the brunette’s cock slowly and rhythmically.

“Shit, _schneller_ ” The Austrian sinks his fingers into the mattress as he pushes his hips against James’.

Niki clenches his jaw to suppress whatever noise ripping through his throat as he comes over his stomach. James bounces back and forth gently a few times before reaching his climax and collapsing on top of Niki. The Austrian turns down an invitation to cuddle when Hunt rolls to his side and runs his fingers through the other's mousy locks. Niki, as usual, squirms at the touch and gets up to sit on the edge of the bed, back turned to James, facing the sun descending in the horizon.

"What happened to you earlier this morning?" He finally manages to ask.

"What do you mean?" James lights a cigarette and rolls eyes when Niki stares at him with a sceptical expression on his face.

"You are so talkative before races, but today you seemed a bit... off."

James keeps silent. He brushes his fingertips against Niki's back, tracing the line of his spine over and over again. The Austrian shivers and considers rebuking Hunt for that, but it just looks like the blond is having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. He is still waiting for an answer, though.

"Is everything okay?"

“I think… I liked you better with the blue overall. It enhanced your eyes.”

“Well, it came with a shitty car, so I stick with the red one.”

Niki is not convinced this is all he can extract from James. Nonetheless, it would be an idle effort to keep trying. Their relationship is so damn complicated because there are words they don’t say too often, and there are words they _never_ say. Occasionally, they run out of things to tell each other.

The Austrian lies down once again and doesn’t mind giving in to James’ tender gestures this time.

 

~

 

Drivers constantly find themselves in clubs surrounded by their fellow drivers, drinking anything put in front of them. No one is pointing fingers at them and saying they should be an example of health and maturity, so they take advantage of that.

James approaches Ickx and Niki having a pretty one-sided chat at the counter.

“Jacky, is that Blackhawk on the other side of the street yours? I think I saw someone trying to break into it.” Hunt feigns wariness and it works marvellously. Ickx takes off with a gasp and Niki rolls eyes, despite being grateful James spared him of an entire night inflating the Belgian driver’s ego.

Niki slides a glass half full of Jägermeister to James.

“I’ve had one too many already.”

Hunt accepts it without questioning. His eyes can’t cease to seek Niki’s which are covered by a thick curtain of messy hair.

“I got hurt.” James releases a sigh like he is been holding it since they met for the first time. Niki finally turns to look at him. “It was easier when I was lifting your spirit because we were both craving success. Now you have it.”

“Are you kidding me? You got two podiums as a freshman last year with a not so spectacular car. People say you have talent and fierceness, whereas I have money and no problem following team orders."

"You're careful. You won't get yourself killed so easily like the rest of us." James cringes at the thought. "Each year, at least one of us doesn't make it to the last race. Yet, we keep craving glory and pushing ourselves to the limit because, apparently, it's all worth it."

Niki wishes he knew the reason why they risk everything for a trophy. If he were to answer that, he would probably say he couldn't succeed at anything in his life and was left with driving skills and a tendency to bet his own life on trivial things. Running through the decisions Niki has made over the past ten Years or so, it seems a bit off-putting that there is still room for fear in his thoughts. He should be brave and reckless like James, but he is not.

"You don't need to go out chasing death to make yourself feel alive." Niki responds, even though he can't quite wrap his mind around this piece of advice.

"I'm not chasing death. I'm chasing you."

They hold each other's gaze for a poignant moment. Niki doesn't know if it was supposed to be flattering or just the raw truth. He remembers arriving at James' flat for the first time feeling hopelessly overwrought. So much has changed since then, and yet, everything is still the same.

James is still waiting for Niki to realise they are not a mistake. Niki is still learning how to shut down his own mind when it starts inventing tragedies and feigning failures.

Hunt timidly reaches out for the other’s hand because that is what you do after talking about life and death and never mentioning the hidden message – which is _fucking idiot, don’t you fucking die for God’s sake_. They are interrupted, however, by a horde of drunk drivers swinging their beer mugs and humming a never-heard-before song. James is quickly engaged in a banter with Ian Scheckter, and Niki is receiving some thumbs-up for his performance.  James is slowly disappearing among the crowd gathered around them, and Niki is being dragged to all sorts of conversation too. James is a celebrity, Niki is barely a trend.

Hunt, surprisingly, manages to free himself from the fuzz and grabs Niki’s hand, carrying more seriousness in his eyes than the Austrian wishes to see.

“Keep following your '20% chance of dying’ rule.”

 James hesitates to let go of his hand, but he eventually does.


End file.
